What do you
all think of my move to WordPress? So far it rocks my purple Converse off. Anyway, on to something worth reading for once.
My daughter has a new game in which she stands on the coffee table and jumps into my arms as I sit on the couch. She does this sometimes with no warning while I am doing important things like checking Twitter. I know. Parenting 101 C+.
And damn, but Leila is fearless. And trusting. It does not occur to her that I will not catch her. I can look her in the face and say, “Leila, be careful, Mommy could miss. Mommy could drop you.” In return I get blank doe eyes and probably a hug and a snotty (real mucus) kiss. Because she trusts me. I mean dog-worthy trust, people. She hasn’t figured out yet that Mommy can fuck up. When I make a parenting mistake (Usually losing my temper and doing something every book and expert says will scar your child for life.), she doesn’t realize it. I might make her cry. I might cry. But she doesn’t understand that we are crying because I fucked up. In her world Mommy is perfect because all she really needs, I provide, and the only thing that really registers is that I love her.
But someday when she is self aware and has some control over her own life’s timeline, I am going to fuck up, and she is going to realize it. I may apologize. I may not. It won’t matter. I will no longer be an infallible force for good in her life. OK, I will still mainly be a force for good, but I will no longer be perfect. I will be human.
We’ve all had to go through that moment in our lives. At some point our parents became human to us. It’s part of growing up. I accepted it and grew as a person when my parents fell from their pedestals. (Heck, my father leapt off his and hasn’t looked back.)
But as a parent on the other side of the situation? It sucks.