Suck It, Disney and your Prom

Fuck this Prom movie. The commercials make me all stabby. I want to get up on the roof of my local middle schools with a bullhorn and scream at the top of my lungs, “If prom is the end all and be all of your high school years, you have don’t something WRONG!” Seriously, is there anyone for whom prom was the highlight of your four years of high school? At most it was a fun time, maybe even a romantic time for some, but it ain’t never magical. Heck even if you are the cliche and had sex for the first time in some hotel or limo or wherever on prom night, it wasn’t magical. If it was, then I bow to you and your partner because at most the first time is pleasant with a hint of how it might make your toes curl in the future. And the only way prom changes your life is if you got knocked up.
I mean, it’s a gym with Christmas lights. OK, maybe your school sprung for a ballroom or even a cruise but still. I can’t for the life of me remember anything about junior prom. I don’t think I went…. Fuck, I seriously can’t remember. Senior prom was in a gym, not even our gym. For some reason they thought the local Catholic school gym was a better venue. Maybe it was some desperate attempt to keep the drinking down, I don’t know. Whatever. We didn’t have the money for a dress, so I wore my cousin’s hand-me-down bridesmaid’s dress circa 1988, puffy sleeves, blue taffeta, black lace and all. I will say I think my legs looked fantastic because I had the skirt shortened and got a pair of cheap dyable four inch heels. Oh and I had super huge tits, so I imagine they were smokin’ too. Not sure. I don’t think anyone took a picture of me….
I went by myself. All my friends were paired up. No one was doing the group dinner. So I drove straight to the dance by myself. It was a dance which is fun, but seriously, I did not step out on the floor, an ugly duckling transformed, and turn the head of some popular jock. Has that ever REALLY happened? Why have we brainwashed generations of nerdy girls with that delusion? Why would they want the jock anyway? He’s never really going to be the sensitive guy underneath. He’s always gonna want the cheerleader who puts out more than the nerd who does. I went to an after party with some acquaintances. It was on an army post, so no drinking. I didn’t know these people that well, so I fell asleep and heard about for DAYS.
And I think my experience was way more normal than what Disney’s formulaic bullshit and every other movie that has tried to make preteens think prom will make or break their high school careers are selling.
I’m not saying don’t have proms. Dances are fun. Just be realistic about it. Don’t make girls especially build up ridiculous expectations for one simple dance until there is no way it is ever going to be anything but a disappointment.
Not that I wanted a magical night anyway.

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